Farewell My Warped Friend.

Where Were We?: Portland, OR - Rose Quarter Waterfront

Set Time: 11.15am

Set Review: The last show. And we were on frightfully early. So early in fact, that the doors hadn’t really opened when we went on. Not the best conditions. We’ve grown quite accustomed for people being able to watch us whilst we play. It’s weird and voyeuristic - but somehow playing in front of a crowd is much better than playing in front of an empty area of ground. I believe that U2 and The Rolling Stones also feel the same way as I do on this subject. So we had a crowd made predominantly up of people we’ve met over the course of the tour. It was like at the end of a movie when all the characters the protagonist has met over the course of the film all show up to support him when he’s about to fight the villain and/or hell beast. It made us feel all warm and fuzzy, and the show was an enjoyable one. So it just goes to show - we’re a completely selfless band as we didn’t really gain anything from playing. Kind of like Mother Teresa if she played in a rock band. We found out afterwards that the reason they weren’t able to let people in until later than usual was because the police were trying to shut the show down... Apparently there were reports of potential fun going down and they had to put a stop to it. Fun can get out of hand and everyone could have died from excitement. 

Lunch: Spinach Cheesy Eggs w/ Veggie Sausage & Hash Browns. For some reason, they decided to give the scrambled eggs a most unappealing name today - perhaps the eggs were misbehaving when they were being whisked and this was punishment. Spinach Cheesy Eggs sounds like something you could contract if you don’t wash often enough. But, name aside - it was a most enjoyable end to Warped Tour’s breakfast for lunch initiative. One day I wouldn’t be surprised if we all just eat breakfast for all meals of the day - it would cut out a lot of decision making when it comes to meal times. It has taken me until the last day to realise that this maverick breakfast after midday experiment has happened every Sunday. I don’t think i’ll be able to go back to eating anything else for lunch on a Sunday now - i’m too conditioned. Spinach Cheesy Eggs all the way!

Dinner: Vegan Fajita Chicken w/ Mashed Potato & Green Beans. And for the last supper... more fake meat that looks and tastes like actual meat. They’ve gotten so good at making these substitutes, even the most hardy meat eaters would be hard pressed to tell the difference. So, maybe in time we can just spare the animals? You can even spear the chicken-style tofu yourself before it’s cooked if it makes you feel any better? The vegetarian and vegan options were of such a high standard over the course of the tour that I don’t know why anyone would want to pick anything else anyway. Thank ye to all the crew at Ta Da Catering for making sure nobody on the tour went unsatisfied for even a single day, and for catering beyond the call of duty to everyone’s needs. Not a single bad meal. I bet Gordon Ramsay or Jamie Oliver would have even mucked up a couple of times. And they’ve on TV and shout at people for dramatic effect. 

Campfire Session Review: An anti-climactic end to what has been hailed in many publications as “The greatest fake acoustic campfire session since Simon & Garfunkel serenaded a group of boy scouts in 1977”. And in one publication, famously, “McTrusty and Kneale are doing for acoustic sessions what Gandhi did for spirituality”. So it is with great shame that I announce that in Portland there was NO campfire session. I know, what a dramatic twist! We had big things planned for the last one aswell - caged dancers, a ring of fire, wizards and a guest appearance from Tina Turner. But, in a cruel twist of fate, the tour buses were parked too far away from the festival site to make the session feasible. The caged dancers were demanding extra to climb the big hill to where the buses were, Tina Turner broke a heal attempting the climb and it turns out wizards don’t deal with the sun very well. And the less said about the ring of fire the better. Let’s just say there is a ring of seriously burnt children very, very close to the area where we left the ring burning whilst we went to help Tina back onto her feet.

Shower: In yet another rogue move for the final day, I had NO shower. That’s right, just bypassed one completely. Like if I was living the life of a street urchin. It was the last day and I thought i’d leave the tour by trying out a bold new look: Slightly dirty, disheveled and with a funky smell. I think it was a hit, I was getting all sorts of sexy looks and people weren’t coming that close to me because I must have had an air of nonchalant cool.

Weirdest Moment of the Day: Witnessing my first ever car crash as an observer. Myself and Spider went a walk before the bus was due to leave for the final time - and just as we were crossing the road a car came haring through the junction just as another car was performing a U-turn. SMASH! Direct hit. Then the situation got more interesting as the car that was performing the U turn turned on these flashing lights that were attached to it’s roof. ‘Maybe cars light up when they get hit?’ I thought. Then Spider explained to me that it was a police car, used by the police to catch bad guys and doughnuts. So this poor man had raced through a junction and hit a lawman. It doesn’t get much unluckier than that really. Apart from the fact myself and Spider were jay walking just as the collision took place. So this police car smasher guy in fact saved the two of us the humiliation of being fined by the police. Thank you sir. Your lack of luck is our luck. 

BEST Thing Said by Someone on Stage: I’ve changed this from the usual negative version, as at the end of Mighty Mongo’s set their guitarist Anthony uttered this prophetic phrase....

“God is a comedian, playing to an audience who are too afraid to laugh.”

Run: No run today, it was the final day and I really wanted to hone my new unclean look. In hindsight, going a run and then not showering would have really enhanced that look. An opportunity missed. 

Best Band Seen: Funeral Party. The last band I saw of the tour were possibly my favourite, and the band that still baffle me as to why they ever did the tour in the first place. I think we sounded out of place next to 95% of the other bands on the tour, but Funeral Party are about 20 times more out of place than we are. There’s an equation there to figure out a percentage of how much more out of place they are than us, but it’s getting late and my calculator won’t turn on. But, I implore that you check this band out if you haven’t already. 

Worst Band Seen: I made a conscious decision to not watch anything average, and certainly not terrible, on the last day. At the faintest audible note of a pig squeal or a synth intro I literally ran in the other direction, dirty and terrified. 

Album Choice of the Day: Remember Remember - ‘The Quickening’

Made up Emo/Metal Band Name of the Day: Artichoke Heart-Break

Overall Percentage Out of 100 for the Day: 90%. This is kind of a percentage out of 100 for the whole tour. We came into this tour fearing it quite a bit. We felt like it was going to be horrible and would place our band in with a pool of music that we feel we have absolutely nothing in common with. And to a certain extent that turned out to be true. There were many bands on the tour who seem more interested in merchandise and getting drunk than the music itself. They all sound the same and there isn’t an ounce of originality in what they’re doing. The real shame is that it’s the tour itself that gets a bad name because of this. I believe that the Warped Tour still stands for the same punk ideals that fueled it in the beginning, but the musical climate has turned so sour in recent years that it needs to turn to these bands that don’t stand for anything so they can sustain the tour and make it survive from year to year. 

The way the tour is run, the efficiency of moving a whole festival to a new site every single day and the equal treatment to every band on the tour (be it the bands who are on their first ever tour to the bands who can play to thousands of people on their own) is beyond commendable. I wish we could have done this tour in the late 90s when I think it would have been completely different. Now, the importance is placed on merchandise sales and telling your audience to buy things from the stage. It’s like watching door to door salesmen rather than musicians a lot of the time. But, in spite of this - I loved the tour. Waking up each day and finding out when you’d be playing, exploring the site to find out where everything is kept each day interesting and our shows themselves were enjoyable. Seeing little fan bases starting to build in all these cities we’ve only been to a handful of times was massively exciting, and made us realise that we can succeed over here if we continue to make good music and work as hard as we have for the last 5 years. And, ironically enough, Make Do And Mend, Dead Sara and Funeral Party, i’ve discovered three bands that have excited me more than I have by anyone in a long while. If only the other 100 bands could have been even a fraction as passionate and exciting as they were?

Added Notes: If you can’t afford a helmet to ride your bicycle, simply cut a coconut in half and cut two holes at the point where you halved it. Then tie some string through both holes and place the half shell on your head. There you have it, one DIY helmet. Also, the coconut milk can be rubbed on your body to make you immune to any cars that may happen to run you over. And, with the remaining half of the coconut - why not make a primitive penis shield? Great for contact sports like rugby or penis tag. 

Pre-Historic Grunge Rock.

Where Were We?: Auburn, WA - White River Amphitheater

Set Time: 12.25pm

Set Review: An agreeable show, but not an outright smasher. Smasher means good, in case you weren’t sure. Before we played there was a small treat as the crew that run our stage got to play a couple of songs because one of the band’s singers was late. That’s just bad timekeeping. But it meant we got to hear some stoner rock at midday - something that has been massively lacking over the course of our tenure on the tour. Their band is called Little Big Horn, check them out and marvel at their riffs and bass lines and drums and vocals. In case you are wondering, not all stage crews play in bands together - it’s not a musical law or anything like that. For instance, we don’t manage a venue together when we’re not on tour. Unless you think of life as a venue, in that case we are quite bad at being managers. Anyhooooo - our set was good, but not great. Like I stated at the start. For more information on the set, please rewind time and be in Auburn, Washington at 12.25pm on the 4th of August 2012.

Lunch: Veggie Quesadillas w/ Rice & Pinto Beans. As usual, the Mexican party was a thrilling one. It may be impossible to make Mexican food bad. There are so many flavours that even if you mucked up 10 parts, there would still be another 50 flavours to make up for it. Go on, try and make it taste bad - I bet you fail and end up feeling full and content. 

Dinner: Veggie Oriental Chicken Thing w/ Mashed Potato & Stir Fried Vegetables. Another fake meat adventure - and a combination of styles. Asian meets Red Neck. A risky combination - but a successful one. I never used to like mashed potato when I was young because I used to think it was cruel to the potato. I mean, you’ve all ready cut the guy up - have a bit of dignity and don’t start mashing him. Would you like it if you got mashed up? I bet you probably would you sicko. You disgust me. 

Campfire Session Review: A campfire session to end all campfire sessions. We played 6 songs, a record for a campfire session. Involving our band. We even tried to improv a previously unplayed song - it went terribly, but the fact that we tried it makes us unbelievably brave and sexy. My cajon playing has now gone beyond music, and is up there with the best paintings from history. And rumour has it that it’s going to get an Oscar nomination for best supporting actor. Very humbling. But I put my soul into hitting that hollow box. I should at least win one major award for it. I’d even take a Bafta, i’m not fussy. 

Shower: In a move of sheer brilliance, we got showers straight after dinner in production and didn’t have to deal with any sort of queue. It was probably one of the smartest moves of our career. Just strode right in there. Not all together, there was only one shower. It would have been a tight squeeze for all of us to go in at once. The shower itself was a real classy gal - stunning temperature control and 3 different water flow options (just in case you wanted to mix it up half way through). Oh, and the pressure? Sublime. We left that bathroom with renewed vigour - as we had defeated the Warped Tour shower line once more. 

Weirdest Moment of the Day: Seeing a band play on our stage that featured a man in a string vest/jumper hybrid, a woman dressed like a pantomime hooker and an old man playing a xylophone. Without doubt, the weirdest combination of people to be placed on one stage at the one time. And they played a form of really slow reggae/rap music, fronted by a sketchy looking white guy. 

Worst Thing Said by Someone on Stage: “Who wants a blowjob?”

- Said by Blood On The Dance Floor, to a crowd of predominantly underage youths. Those impressionable teenagers shall no go home and look up that word and will DEFINITELY turn to drugs and prostitution because they were too young to understand why people do that sort of thing. Good job!

Run: A run that nearly didn’t happen... I know, you’re as shocked as I am. The reasoning being that I couldn’t find my way out of the festival car park, and the road was all stoney and I was just all over the place. But, just when I was about to give up... I saw it. A piece of tarmac road beckoning me from the distance. I answered it’s call and it lead me out into the big bad world beyond. I ran along the main road until I started to get scared at how fast the cars were going and how dead I would be if one hit me. I turned back, scared but triumphant. Like the feeling you would get if you offered a lion a fight but then walked away because you remember you’re a pacifist. 4 miles, 26 minutes 53 seconds.

Best Band Seen: Taking Back Sunday. Watched from the back of the stage to see what that was like. What it was like would be what Taking Back Sunday would sound like if they only featured a drummer and a bass player. But other members who were on the stage seemingly contributing something - but it not being audible. It was strangely still really enjoyable though - and Adam Lazzara can swing a microphone like it’s connected to him. Like a really long, stringy third arm. With a microphone instead of a hand at the end of it. 

Worst Band Seen: A toss up between blowjob baiting Blood On The Dance Floor, and the reggae/fishnet jumper/hooker/old man xylophone band. We’ll call it a tie to be diplomatic. 

Album Choice of the Day: Balance & Composure - ‘Separation’

Made up Emo/Metal Band Name of the Day: A Romantic Beat Down

Overall Percentage Out of 100 for the Day: 90%. A good day, even though we didn’t really bring our A game to the actual show. But I love Washington as a state, because I think it may be where music truly began millions of years ago when a dinosaur version of Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder first started making melodic but gruff roars together. I was quite sad that the festival moved from it’s old site at The Gorge, which is a natural amphitheater and is meant to be stunningly beautiful. But if it did stun you because it was that beautiful then it might be a good thing they don’t hold it there anymore as all the bands wouldn’t be able to play because they would be in temporary paralysis due to casting their eyes on something unfathomably picturesque. Smart move Warped Tour. 

Added Notes: If you are ever feeling down and need a quick pick me up, a good way to do it is to tie yourself onto enough balloons that you will float away. Honestly, nothing perks me up more than blowing up a couple of thousand balloons and just floating about Glasgow for a bit. And when you want to come down, just irritate a nearby bird and it’ll start popping balloons until your weight starts to even out with gravity and you’ll slowly fall back down to the ground feeling full of life again.

Big Bismarck Butte.

Where Were We?: Bismarck, ND / Butte, MT - Travel Days

Set Time: The only set times were the periodic moments when Spider would announce how bored he was. 

Set Review: It appears that we now don’t really know what to do with ourselves when we’re granted the opportunity to behave like non-performing monkeys for a couple of days, as we squandered two days off as we travelled from Milwaukee to the West Coast. To be fair, it may have had quite a bit to do with the two places we stopped in. Bismarck, North Dakota had a pretty budget mall we could go to, or a ‘water park’ at the hotel which consisted of one twisty slide and one of those little rocking horses. And a storm hit half way through the day so we couldn’t have that game of croquet we’d been dying to have for the last month. In Butte, Montana (I think it’s pronounced Bute, but possibly Butt? If it is pronounced Butt... that’s unfortunate) there was even less to do in the surrounding area but I think we did end up having more fun. We went to an even more budget mall, a shop that sold copper cups, a place that sold prom dresses and a Walmart. I think that’s a full Butte experience. 

Lunch: A selection of fruit and cereal in Bismarck, and a large root beer float in Butte. It appears that I completely crumbled the second day (after stunning work in not eating crap during the first day off) by having a lunch that consisted of a sugary carbonated drink with lots of ice cream chucked into it. Oh well. 

Dinner: In Bismarck, myself, Ross and Stevie went to a place called Qdoba - which sounds like a rude name you would call someone you don’t like, but it was in fact a Mexican fast food place. I don’t know if it is a rude name you would call someone in Mexican, I imagine it’s not as that wouldn’t be a smart way to win over customers. Unless you are aiming your business at people who take enjoyment out of being offended - quite a niche market. In Butte we ordered in pizza to the hotel and ate it outside the bus with our tops off whilst the sun was setting. THE AMERICAN DREAM. 

Campfire Session Review: No Acoustic sessions on days off - they are forbidden. 

Shower: I had a shower in hotels both days, like a travelling business man would when he’s travelling from city to city meeting clients. I even showered in a full suit so I felt like a businessman, and made important business calls to people in my phone book who I had no business with. 

Weirdest Moment of the Day: Visiting Evel Knievel’s grave. That’s right - Evel Knievel is buried in Butte. Bet you didn’t know that eh!? I didn’t either, until I went and saw his grave. It looked like a normal grave, except it said Evel Knievel’s name on it. Which isn’t Evel. His middle name is Craig. That’s my first name. Coincidence? I don’t think so - i’m going to be a famous stuntman one day. I’ve already jumped over a drain on my bike and next week I shall attempt to jump over a wheelie bin.

Worst Thing Said by Someone on Stage: There were no stages, but perhaps someone in a metal band was screaming at other people on his bus to start a circle pit. 

Run: Ran at the hotel gym in Bismarck, my first run on a treadmill in a while. It gives you the false feeling that you are maybe equal to or faster than the world’s greatest athletes because you don’t have to deal with external factors like terrain or weather in an air conditioned room. And you can watch television too - athletes are depraved of watching repeats of Friends whilst they run, which is very unfair. 4 miles, 25 mins 28 seconds. 

In Butte, I ran along a path that lead alongside some hills - I don’t know what these hills were called. Possibly ‘Butte Hills’. Which may be pronounced Butt Hills. Which sounds like someone who has very large buttocks. Whatever they’re called, it was a very enjoyable run. The element of humidity is taken away as you get closer to the West Coast so you can run a bit longer and faster. 6.25 miles (10k), 41 mins 47 seconds.

Best Band Seen: The elastic band holding up my running shorts, making sure that I never suffer the embarrassment of my shorts falling down whilst in mid-stride, causing me to trip up and fall awkwardly with my penis and buttocks on show to the world. 

Worst Band Seen: The band of thieves seen running from shop to shop in Butte, plundering goods from the copper cup shop and then taking a fistful of dresses from the prom shop. 

Album Choice of the Day: The Maccabees - ‘Given To The Wild’

Made up Emo/Metal Band Name of the Day: I Wrestled A Beer Once.

Overall Percentage Out of 100 for the Day: 60%. The days off were good, but I think we are now firmly in Warped Tour’s clutches and are completely lost unless we are given a schedule we can follow for the day. This one example highlights this quite clearly - I had a mixture of root beer and ice cream for lunch when I didn’t have catering to go to. That is not right. 

Added Notes: A potato is not the same thing as a rock. You can eat a potato, you cannot eat a rock. An easy mistake to make, but remember the difference - a good way to check is to try and cut the object open. If it cuts, it’s a potato. If it doesn’t, it’s probably a rock. Watch out for really hard potatoes though, they may be resilient to the cutting powers of the knife. 

Powered by the Essence of Milkshake.

Where Were We?: Milwaukee, WI - Marcus Amphitheater 

Set Time: 12.50pm

Set Review: An absolute beaster of a show, one of the best of the tour. I don’t know how that happened - it just did... It was one of those happy co-incidences, like when you go for a shower and you find a gold bar blocking the drain. So you come out clean AND rich all at once. We didn’t prepare any differently beforehand - and the fact we’d only been to Milwaukee once before made us believe we wouldn’t have much of a crowd. But we had a great crowd, made up of real humans and not cardboard cut outs or wild animals. The only thing I know I did differently was to get a free milkshake from the milkshake truck that’s on site every day. I’ve failed every time i’ve tried to get one so far by being either too late or too early. But today I was right on time and got a mint choc chip milkshake that was quite divine. This is what I believe to have been the catalyst in us having a good show. Clearly the other guys saw my success in acquiring a milkshake and took it as a metaphor to mean that you can achieve whatever you want if you just keep trying at it. The mental power of ice cream beverages is quite astounding.

Lunch: Vegan Grilled Cheese Sandwich w/ Fries & Pasta. We were in Wisconsin, the home of cheese - so it would have been illegal for catering not to put cheese on the menu today. For the vegetarians there was a vegan grilled cheese sandwich - which had some sort of ‘cheese effect material’ inside it. It was still nice, although i’m not totally sure what it was I was eating. I haven’t died yet, so I know it wasn’t poisonous. Unless it’s one of those slow working poisons and i’ll keel over in a couple of weeks. If that happens then we should all point our suspicions to the grilled cheese effect sandwiches first as i’ve highlighted the fact I don’t know what’s in them. That’s just basic detective work. 

Dinner: Pizza... just pizza. We went to an Italian restaurant near the Amphitheater for dinner with Chip from our label who’s been with us the last couple of days making sure we haven’t killed the bus driver or turned the bus into a drug manufacturing plant (he didn’t notice that the new bus driver was just Barry in a beard and big glasses, or the 100,000kg of cocaine strapped to the roof of the bus). Chip is a super cool guy and can do that funny trick off a diving board where you jump onto your bottom then bounce into the pool. If he did that in the olympics I would give him 10 points and a special extra gold medal which has double the gold of a normal medal. Double gold beats normal gold so he would finish above first place. 

Campfire Session Review: We got rinsed of 20 Hershey bars at the session today when one astute attendee drew attention to the fact they hadn’t been given s’mores like they’d been promised when they’d won. The fact is, we put the s’mores out for the first three days and nobody touched them because it was the middle of the day in the searing heat and that’s not really melted chocolate/marshmallow time. Quite the opposite. So, to stop the very real threat of a s’more deprived riot - we gave everyone a bar of Hershey’s each - which I thought was more generous than giving blood. But then people complained that the chocolate was melting on their hands. You just can’t win sometimes...

Shower: I mixed it up today and showered like a normal human being at the showers inside the production area. I’d forgotten what I real shower was like, there were many tiles in the room where the shower was. And the shower head was attached to the wall, and not a bag. And, most peculiar of all - the room was 100% indoors. It felt too intimate. I’ve watched enough films to know when a room is this quiet it means that an assassin is about to smash through a wall at any second and try to strangle me using his thighs. So I was on edge the whole time I was in there, brandishing my shower gel and shampoo bottles like very primitive and useless weapons. As it turned out, nobody smashed through the wall - but I did get very clean. And I got to shower with no pants on as it wasn’t outdoors. Yeah!

Weirdest Moment of the Day: Seeing a caterpillar fight a fully grown man and win.

Worst Thing Said by Someone on Stage: My ears are now numb to anything bad being said on stage. It just gets filtered out. 

Run: I didn’t go a run today because a massive snake stole my running shoes in the morning. And then a big tiger stole my running shorts. And then a small vole took my running socks. It was if nature was telling me not to run... and I wasn’t going to ignore that. The animals returned my goods at the end of the day and managed to convey to me in a strange animal tongue that I could return to running tomorrow. I asked why I wasn’t allowed to run today and the snake simply said “Sssssssooorrrrryyy”. I forgave him and he slid away.

Best Band Seen: New Found Glory. They were also the only band I saw today, and I watched them from very high up at the back of the stage. I was never really a New Found Glory fan, but I can see why people like them - they have so much energy and they know their strengths. I also got to see a circle pit from very high up and I think I now understand why people do them - because they look very impressive when viewed from above. Like a tornado made up of humans. Obviously the people that take part in circle pits are all members of interpretive dance studios and are trying to create human versions of natural phenomenon. But they do dress up in wife beaters and all have that slightly vacant look in their eyes? They must practice that look as wife beaters look better in a human tornado formation.  

Worst Band Seen: The bands with the risers at the front of the stage so they can seem bigger than the people in the crowd. You’re already on a stage which is 5 feet off the ground. How much higher do you want to be?

Album Choice of the Day: Cave In - ‘White Silence’

Made up Emo/Metal Band Name of the Day: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Mosh

Overall Percentage Out of 100 for the Day: 100%. A near perfect day. I got a milkshake finally, and the show was a peach. And then I got to spend the rest of the day with some very close friends and their children. It’s friends I don’t get to see very often, but every time I do it feels like it was only yesterday that I did. One of the things I appreciate the most about getting to travel is that I still get to see the friends that left home, even if it’s only for a day in a car park in Milwaukee. 

Added Notes: Before Kiwi fruit was considered edible it was actually used in the manufacture of toy gorillas as either it’s head if it was a baby gorilla or it’s testicles if it was an adult gorilla. That’s where the saying “Away and fiddle with your kiwi fruits” comes from.

I didn't take any photos today so here is a picture of some cheese. Milwaukee is famous for it. It's actually a woman with cheese for hair - a rare and deadly condition.

1 til 3 - Bad Times for Rock.

Where Were We?: Cincinnati, OH - Riverbend Music Center

Set Time: 1.45pm

Set Review: A bit of an average show. We’ve figured that between 1 and 3 o’clock is a bad time for us to play. I don’t know why, that time frame just doesn’t seem to do it for us. It’s weird, because 1 o’clock is usually when i’ll eat lunch - and I like lunch. And 3 o’clock was when I used to finish school for the day when I was in primary school. So both of those times individually conjure up happy memories for me - but put us on a stage between those times and it doesn’t seem to work so well. We weren’t bad, but we weren’t great either. And I zoned out during ‘Yes, I Was Drunk’ and put an audacious fill into what is meant to be the mellowest part of the song. I didn’t know what I was doing, my hands just started doing it and I couldn’t stop. Sam said he liked it, but that usually means that it’s quite rogue.

Lunch: Portobello Mushroom w/ Rice Noodles & Salad. Yesterday I pronounced my new found love of all things fungi related. Well, I have to take that back slightly because me and Portobello mushrooms are still having teething problems. They’re just so BIG and rubbery. I can’t shake the feeling that it’s going to jump out of my plate and suck onto my face unless I cut it up into little tiny pieces. So I left most of it, but I made sure I cut it up anyway so if it did attack me it would be in manageable chunks.

Dinner: Eggplant Parmigiana w/ Spaghetti & Broccoli. Again, eggplant (Aubergine for normal people) is another thing that I still haven’t been able to fully embrace. I remember in school I used to think it was really funny to pick up and feel in the supermarket because it was kind of squidgy and purple. On the last day of High School we bought one and threw it off a friend’s head - it bounced off it in a most satisfactory way. So, I kind of always viewed Aubergine as more of a comedic prop than a food. It seems to be a staple of vegetarian cuisine, so I guess i’ll have to try harder to show it some respect. I did eat all my broccoli tonight. Great strides.

Campfire Session Review: I had to reach down deep and harness all of my cajon skills today as it was on an uneven surface. In the hands of a lesser player this could have ended very badly, most likely with the person ending up in hospital with severe percussion burns. But in my professional hands it went smoothly, and I could tell everyone was impressed that I was playing at such a jaunty angle. I would have shot the crowd a knowing wink, but I didn’t want to get cocky and fall off the cajon and ruin the cool air of mystique i’d created.

Shower: Another bag shower in the dark. These are setting me up well for when I become a nomad later in life. 

Weirdest Moment of the Day: Realising that I am probably the greatest Cajon player alive today. Very humbling.

Worst Thing Said by Someone on Stage: “Our band message is that you can be whatever you want to be.”

- A fine sentiment, but I think you may have stole that from Sesame Street. Or any movie about a young person coming of age ever made. Or Rocky. 

Run: Went a run late in the day with the intention of just doing a couple of miles, but it turned out to be a really good one. There was a racetrack right beside where the buses were parked so I just did laps of that until i’d completed a 10k. 6.25 miles (10k), 42 mins 55 seconds.

Best Band Seen: Title Fight. Only caught the last 10 minutes of their set, but it was very good. This was also the only music I saw today apart from our own set - and I don’t think I can say we were the best band I seen because i’m in them. And I don’t think we were that good today. So Title Fight win by default. 

Worst Band Seen: As previously mentioned, I only saw two bands and one of them was the band I play in. By process of elimination then... our band was the worst band I saw today. How embarrassing.

Album Choice of the Day: The Dismemberment Plan - ‘Emergency & I’

Made up Emo/Metal Band Name of the Day: Goat Rape Madman

Overall Percentage Out of 100 for the Day: 60%. The show was disappointing but we did get to go to a water park after we played for free which improved the day drastically. Although every ride I went on seemed to end up in me coming out of it with sore testicles. Even the diving board resulted in my testicles hurting. Perhaps i’m allergic to the mixture of water and fun. I should just go back to showering outside in the dark, that doesn’t hurt my testicles. 

Added Notes: Did you know that if you eat a banana, an apple, an orange, then a kiwi fruit and then a peach, very quickly in that order, you will have eaten five pieces of fruit in a very short space of time. Try it out for yourself. 

I didn't take any pictures today so here is a picture of an aubergine (or eggplant if you want to call it something silly - it is not an egg plant. That would be a plant that had eggs growing on it)...

An Un-impressed Tree Man.

Where Were We?: Charlotte, NC - Verizon Wireless Amphitheater

Set Time: 1.05pm

Set Review: A good show, I am quite confident of that. Why? Because we had a fainter just before our last song. A fainting person is a sure sign you’re on the way to good things. Don’t worry - we made sure she was ok, we didn’t just leave her lying there passed out. I think it was just a matter of not drinking enough water in the sun. You’ve got to stay hydrated, that’s the first rule of life. We threw her friend a bottle of water to give to her, but it kind of hit her on the head as she missed the catch - but I still think that counts as a good deed. The only bad part of our set was that there was a big tree in front of the stage. This has happened on quite a few times, i’m starting to wonder if the tree is in fact a really big person with green hair who goes to quite a few of the Warped Tour dates. It seemed non-plussed whilst we were playing so either it is a tree or it’s not impressed by our music.

Lunch: Fried Mushrooms w/ Chips & Pasta Salad. It was fish & chips for the meat eaters at lunch, so the veggies got breadcrumb fried mushrooms to substitute it which were quite splendid. I used to have a particular dislike for mushrooms but now we get on really well. We sat down and had a talk and realised that we were both being silly. I said some things that I didn’t really mean, and they said they’d really been playing up to that fungi reputation to annoy me. Now we’re pals and I eat them with pride.

Dinner: Lentil Loaf w/ Pasta & Green Beans. I think I got kind of shafted at dinner as I got the little burnt corner slice of lentil loaf, even though it’s public knowledge that i’m a big fan of lentil loaf. I’ve been putting up posters around the site saying so. It’s just a picture of my face with a lentil loaf beside it, and the words ‘A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN’ underneath it. I thought about asking for more, but I didn’t want to come across like a less dirty Oliver Twist. As it turns out, I did end up getting more lentil loaf than most men can handle because Andy couldn’t finish his. He’d got a real premium piece too. RESULT.

Campfire Session Review: After having to abandon the previous day’s performance half way through because of an extreme lack of acoustic strings, this session went much smoother and less embarrassing as no strings snapped and we had back ups if they chose to try and screw us over. My cajon skills have now surpassed anything that they could logically be compared against. The only thing I could possibly say is that they’re as good as Michael Johnson’s 200m final performance at the 1996 Atlanta Olympic Games. Just pure class. World beating you could say. If there is a world record for classiness in cajon playing then I probably hold the record. 

Shower: A bag shower of the highest order. We got these new bag showers a few days ago and they just don’t cut it beside the old ones. Instead of twisting the nozzle to start the flow you pull these ones - everyone knows that twisting is more fun. And these new ones have about half the power of the old bags too - not what you want when you’re already showering from a bag. I was also showering when it was dark, meaning it looked even creepier than usual. Just this wet soapy guy, hanging about under a bag filled with water. 

Weirdest Moment of the Day: As I feel like I should highlight it once again, showering in your pants in the dark, using a big bag filled with water should not feel normal. But it does. What does that mean?

Worst Thing Said by Someone on Stage: Nothing terribly worse than i’ve heard before was overheard. I’ve started to become numb to guys on stage goading the crowd into fighting each other, perhaps i’ll start my own circle pit tomorrow? I need to find out what the appeal is, it has to be there somewhere.

Run: What I like to call a Humpty Dumpty run, because it was pieced together - do you see what i’ve done there? Yep, that was brilliant because everyone knows who Humpty Dumpty is. But yes, I started running and realised that the road I was on kind of led on to the freeway so I had to turn back and find another route. I ran through the amphitheater car park and found an exit that led to a country road and followed that along until it too came to an end. Then I ran back to tell the other boys of my adventurous run. 4 miles, 27 mins 50 seconds.

Best Band Seen: Mighty Mongo. Perhaps the most fun you could have watching a band on stage for 25 minutes. As long as you excuse their name - apparently it’s not a hurtful word in the US. I’m too scared to tell them what it means back home. But yes, if you want to have a great time then go and see them live - it’s very infectious. And their drummer Scotty is up there with the best drummers you’ll ever see. He ends the set by jumping off his drum stool backwards and hitting the cymbals. And it’s somehow not cheesy. Even the big tree at our stage looked like it was enjoying it.

Worst Band Seen: The band wearing all the clothes.

Album Choice of the Day: Make Do And Mend - ‘End Measured Mile’

Made up Emo/Metal Band Name of the Day: A Dark Day In Stratford-Upon-Avon

Overall Percentage Out of 100 for the Day: 82%. We had a fainter and a tree person watching us during our set. I got to have the amount of lentil loaf that my body required, and I got to write the words Mighty Mongo without having to feel terrible about myself. I also bought a Mighty Mongo t-shirt with a crayon drawing of a bird on it. But I fear that I will never be able to wear it without fear of being lynched before I can convey that it’s the name of a band. The fact I have just realised I may never be able to wear that t-shirt has just brought my percentage for the day down to 73%. 

Added Notes: A little known fact about peanuts is that if you caress them very gently for around 5 to 10 minutes, they will grow arms and legs and can be kept as a pet. Be sure not to feed them too much though, peanuts can grow to the size of houses and will try to eat you if you’re not careful. They have no loyalty to anyone but themselves and other peanuts. A good way to stop them trying to eat you is to dress in a jumper made of lots of peanuts stitched together. This will confuse them into thinking that you too, are a peanut. Also, people with small heads will also confuse the peanut.

I didn't take any photos today so here is a picture of a man enjoying a bag shower. So you too can enjoy their solar beauty...

Really Nice Straight Horizon Line.

Where Were We?: St. Petersburg, FL - Vinoy Waterfront Park

Set Time: 1.30pm

Set Review: St. Petersburg is part of a peninsula and the festival site was right on the coast so the view from our stage was quite splendid. As I looked out from the drums to see the horizon line in the distance, I thought to myself - “what a very straight horizon line”. If i’d had a spirit level I would have put it up against that horizon line to see just how straight it was. But I didn’t have one, so i’m going to take a guess that it was completely straight. Like me. Show was good, being able to see the ocean whilst you play music is quite a privileged feeling - it makes you feel quite powerful. This must be what it’s like to be Jon Bon Jovi, when he puts on a 2 hour solo show for his wife at his beach house every night. 

Lunch: Great Value Raisin Bran & Banana. Our set kind of clashed with lunch catering, so I had cereal and a banana before we played instead. Not just any cereal though, Great Value ‘Extra Raisin’ Raisin Bran. Which apparently has much less raisins than normal, non-cheapskate Kellogg’s Raisin Bran. So in Kellogg’s case, you aren’t just paying for the label. Those guys go all out on the raisins. I learned a valuable lesson. Being a cheapskate costs you raisins. 

Dinner: Rice Noodles w/ Vegetables, Mashed Potato & Cauliflower. Dinner also felt very special because the catering tables were lined up right beside the water. It felt like we were eating at a restaurant in the Bahamas on our honeymoon. Apart from the fact I was with Spider, and he’s not my type. Well, he is actually - but he’s in long term relationship. The vegetarian option didn’t seem to go with the rest of the meal, it was kind of like Pad Thai - but served with mashed potato. It was a Japanese/Country Bumpkin fusion meal. Carb-tastic but good.

Campfire Session Review: Disaster struck half way through the session when Sam broke an acoustic string then realised we had no spares. So we just had to stop. I think the assembled crowd thought it was some kind of act we put on, before a solid gold acoustic guitar drops from the sky and we continue playing to rapturous applause. But that didn’t happen, as convenient as that would have been. Instead, everyone just had to leave, slightly confused. As campfire sessions go, this was the equivalent of falling into the campfire when you’re trying to heat marshmallows up, resulting in a melting marshmallow getting fused onto your forehead. Painful and embarrassing. 

Shower: An absolute scorcher of a bag shower - so hot in fact that I had to add ice to the bag so not to scold myself. Proof that solar power is very much real, and not a made up device of the government to get you to put shiny plates on your roof. Solar power is obviously becoming too efficient - no shower should ever be that hot. 

Weirdest Moment of the Day: Realising that I had the theory for relativity before Einstein did, but I wasn’t born yet, so wasn’t able to tell anyone. If only I wasn’t just a conceptual idea at that point in history. I could have been the guy in those famous photos with my tongue sticking out. 

Worst Thing Said by Someone on Stage: “Thank god you guys aren’t Homos!” - I didn’t think people even used the term ‘homo’ anymore? I’m pretty sure that died out around the same time that bucket hats went out of fashion. Although, I have seen a few people trying in vain to revive the bucket hat lately... perhaps this gentleman on the stage was simply trying to revive a nonsensical name call?

Run: A really good run today, but I nearly ended myself in the process. I’d only planned to run 4 miles but was enjoying the scenery so kept going and sweated out all the vital juices in my body. I keep forgetting that the sun is hot and therefor makes you sweat more. By the time I finished and got back to the bus I was very dizzy and inhaled 4 bottles of water in the space of a few minutes. Which then made my stomach hurt. But honestly, the run was great. I love running beside the ocean, it makes you feel so free. I’m giving any female sanitary product companies the permission to use the image of me running along the coast wearing a bikini in any forthcoming adverts they have where they want to convey the message of feeling free. 6.25 miles (10k), 42 min 58 seconds.

Best Band Seen: Title Fight. I’ve really liked these guys for a while and have seen them in Glasgow a few times, but this is the first time i’ve got to watch them on the tour. They’re great live and are really visceral, even when they’re playing beside the beach in cloudless sunshine. And they have a little guitarist who looks like he may be 12 years old but has the voice of a terrifying wolf beast. Gravelly as funk. 

Worst Band Seen: The band who dress in 90% leather and seemed to have somehow got paler as the temperature has got hotter. 

Album Choice of the Day: The Intersphere - ‘Interspheres > < Atmospheres’

Made up Emo/Metal Band Name of the Day: Donald Duck and the Cartoon World Massacre

Overall Percentage Out of 100 for the Day: 96%. A ruddy bloody good day. Being beside the sea in good weather made it pretty much a certainty that it would be memorable - we have to savour those experiences living in Glasgow. You have to drive out of the city for quite a bit to get to a beach near Glasgow. And then when you get there it will be raining, and the sand will be lined with dead junkies. 

Added Notes: If you are in a nightclub and someone starts giving you hassle, a good way to get them to stop is to punch them repeatedly in the face until they pass out. If this doesn’t work then you should think about running away because you’ve probably been punching a boxer or an army general.