Lemony Frontman

When you wake up on the floor of what looks like an old lady’s room in Oldham you really start to question what you’re doing with your life. This very situation was presented to me this morning when I did wake up on the floor of what looked like an old lady’s room in Oldham. Luckily, it was only a Travelodge and the reason I was on the floor is because I have a freakishly straight back that Travelodge beds just aren’t equipped for. It did still really look like an old lady’s room though. And it was in Oldham.

In Oldham, the convenience store was closed - that’s not very convenient at all is it? I can’t take credit for that, I believe it was a golden gem from Matt. Good joke champ, you charmed old Craig Kneale with that one. We decided to return to another of Mr. Morrison’s fine supermarkets for a visit to his cafe, powerful stuff. Big Morro kept up his promise of fresh food at affordable prices, so trading standards didn’t have to be called. And I bloody love phoning up trading standards to complain about stuff.

Onwards to Birmingham, to the brand spanking new Academy which looks pretty swanky compared to the old one which just looked a bit sad. Carling must be mourning the loss of the franchise to O2 as Sat Nav took us to the old venue, they must be terrorizing the phone giant by refusing to update their address. We eventually found it though, and loaded in quickly and easily thanks to the gig-friendly lay out of the new place. You can tell it’s been custom built as a venue as it’s not impossible to get parked and you don’t have to carry gear down pipes and up ropes. We’ve never actually had to do that, I was merely exaggerating. A lot. The monitor sound was fecking massive, and had room to give me the dangerous level of kick drum that I require to rock to full potential.

Birmingham has always been pretty terrible when it comes to gigs for us, it was the scene of my first gig outside Scotland (at the old Academy 2 actually, supporting Circa Survive) and we were met by a sea of confused faces whilst we played. It’s a worse reaction than having things thrown at you. It’s gotten better since then, but it’s always been a tough city for us. And I always feel we’re about to be attacked, have our money taken off of us, have our van stolen and then raped. But nothing like that has ever happened, I promise you. Barry thought his jacket had been lifted tonight, but it was under Paul’s bag of booze to take home to Glasgow in the back of the van. You couldn’t make that up.

It turned out to be another classic Birmingham gig, we even had them where we wanted them and then the god of Birmingham said ‘Nope, take this boys’. Sam’s microphone and guitar cut out at the same time - which of course sounded less than good in an audible sense, like he’d been plucked from the stage. Like a lemon picked from a tree. It would have been about as useful having a lemon onstage, as without working cables, electric guitars and microphones don’t work very well. I can confirm this. It was resolved, but our moment of glory was gone. It was by no means the worst show we’ve played in Birmingham, but electricity one this round... it always does.

After the show we went to the most vibrant takeaway in the whole world which had pictures of Spongebob Squarepants eating pizza in front of a luminous green background. And they had 50 Cent panning your head in at top volume out of one amazingly loud mono speaker. A true attack on all the senses. We all left like we’d just witnessed a whale exploding, a mixture of shock and awe.

Yet again we left Birmingham without being raped.

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A Gypsy is now called a ‘Traveller’

In what was becoming an unpleasant habit, we awoke very early on the morning of the 18th of November 2009 in Dublin to get the ferry back to Holyhead to play in Manchester that night. This must be what being a pirate is like. Except we had no loot, and none of us have wooden legs..... yet. So a grand total of 2 hours sleep was again reached in the Hotel Ibis with the vintage Mitsubishi TVs, so like a troop of rock zombies (copyright - me, 2009) we headed to the ferry port. Again, the moment we boarded the ferry we all fell asleep for the duration of the crossing. Sam didn’t realize it was the same ferry we got over in the first place and chose to sleep on the first thing he found which was a sort of ‘snake coach’ which looked like it wasn’t very comfortable to get your snooze on. Sam confirmed this is his on expletive-filled way. I found the exact couch I fell asleep on a day previously, because i’m territorial innit? It’s the same reason I pee on things that belong to me, just like a cat. I had another mystical sleep where you wake up and have no recollection of getting on the boat in the first place, cool stuff.

On the way to Manchester we were introduced to a new tour experience by Matt: The Morrisons Cafe. Offering a range of dishes at a competitive price, it certainly beats getting pitta bread and houmous and rationing it over the course of two days, like someone lost in the jungle. Except without houmous, that is a luxurious item after all - if you found it in the jungle then you have truly gone mad sir. And if you do take houmous on a survival experience then you really haven’t gotten the point of the adventure have you? I would imagine that Richard Branson would try to pull off that move.

We got to Manchester and stopped so Barry could take his guitar to a sort of ‘guitar shaman’ to fix the damage he’d caused to his instrument (calm down) the previous night in Belfast. Barry instantly fell in love with this man and exclaimed that he would now be taking all his guitars to this mysterious fixer of the axe. Once we managed to pull Barry away from his new pal, we headed to Manchester Academy for only our 3rd show with Fall of Troy, even though we’ve been away on the tour for 12 days now. Weird when you think about it that way. Rock/Metal popstars Elliot Minor (Avenged Sevenfold aimed at kids in Paul’s opinion) were playing the Club Academy downstairs - they had a big bus, maybe to house their chart friendly riffs?

It was great to get back to Academy 3, we’ve supported quite a few bands here in the past and it’s always got a great atmosphere. I think mainly due to the in-house guys who are always dead on, and the lights are awesome for a venue of it’s size. More strobes than any epileptic could handle. I’m sorry... that was completely out of order. Finally, after bugging me the whole tour my hi-hat pedal was starting to feel like it wasn’t being operated internally by a frail old man anymore - which made soundcheck a joy and made me look forward to the show - which I hadn’t really so far because that hi-hat was taking away all the vibe. When it came to the actual show however, I think the lack of sleep from the last 4 days finally hit me and after 1 song my arms felt dead. I struggled through but they gave up on me a couple of times, we went down really well though so job done I guess. For the record, the band on first were called Chicken Hawk (awesome, check them out) who had Matt’s friend Joe teching for them who has embraced the nickname of Joe Balls. Possibly the greatest nickname of all time.

After the show we went for a drink at Big Hands while we waited for the RAC to come and change our tire which was now flatter than a budget brand of carbonated drink on a particularly warm day. When the RAC man did eventually get there we discussed the fact that gypsy’s are now called ‘travellers’, and that it’s wrong to call them differently. That’s my official ‘FACT OF THE DAY’. I’ll do that more as I learn more facts and become wiser. Now with a tire that was more pumped than Stallone after a particularly punishing session in the gym, we headed back to the hotel for our first full night’s sleep since Cologne. The Travelodge was different to the normal design, and kind of resembled an old woman’s bedroom (not that i’ve been in many) complete with a murky heat that you can’t get rid of, even with a window open. In November. Managed to listen to about 20 seconds of music on my iPod before drifting off...

Note that there are no photos today - this is because I dropped my camera and thought it had broken. Then it magically started working the following day. Magic.

Sleep is for the weak.

Having planned to get a few precious hours before the ferry to Ireland, the high-pitched voice of Graham Norton, celebrity gay, on his self titled chat show meant that no sleep was grabbed. Rod Stewart was one of his guests, and from what I can gather, he is still very much the lady killer. Not literally of course, his public profile would make it very hard for him to continually murder women without the authorities finding out. If he is indeed an actual killer of ladies, he must be very good at it to go undetected. Well done Rod.

So the 3am ferry from Holyhead to Dublin it was, a 3 hour crossing where we yet again slept like babies for the duration of the crossing. Apart from Matt Cogley, who requires no sleep at all to function as a human being. I think i might submerge my room in water and float my bed on top of it to guarantee a good nights sleep, i’d have to get rid of all my cool electrical goods and getting to bed every night would be a bitch keeping all the water in my room when I opened the door. But it would definitely be worth it. Another restless sleep on the 2 hour drive to Belfast, and then a further 3 hours in the small time we were allowed in the Travelodge we were meant to arrive at last night, meant I had again gained 8 hours sleep in warrior like fashion.

We got to Mandela Hall at around 2pm for our show for BBC Introducing, which was part of a ‘Uniting Nations’ event where a band from each part of the UK was picked by their regional DJ for this event in Ireland. From Northern Ireland was Two Door Cinema Club, Pulled Apart By Horses from England, Save Your Breath from Wales and we were honoured to be picked by Mr. Vic Galloway on behalf of BBC Scotland. I’d seen Pulled Apart By Horses at T in the park earlier in the year and they were ferocious live, i’d never heard of Two Door Cinema Club before but they sounded great in soundcheck. The venue itself was amazing, really cool room - reminded me of the QMU in Glasgow. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it’s so much easier to get into a gig when you’ve got good onstage sound - and this was the best stage sound i’ve heard in a while. One of those places where you don’t want to stop playing.

We were sharing a dressing room with Save Your Breath, like all Welsh people they were really funny. Maybe it’s the accent, but everything Welsh people say makes me laugh. Sometimes when it’s not a joke. A formidable rider was laid on for us, although no cutlery. Meaning the organic tomatoes that were begging for me to put one on my sandwich had to be left behind. Sorry T. Mato, I had no way to open you up unless I wanted to put a full one of you on top of the sandwich. And that would just be a nuisance to hold, and I might have got rogue tomato juice in my eyes. After this sandwich drama we watched a bit of Save Your Breath before we hit the stage. By far the best gig we’ve played this tour, great stuff. Not even a little man in a green t-shirt giving Sam a nice view of his middle finger could ruin it.

After the show a quick chat with Vic Galloway then we headed off again to catch yet another ferry in Dublin for the show in Manchester the next night. Biblically bad storms made the drive there a scary one, at one point a big invisible puddle came from nowhere and nearly engulfed the van. It caused Paul to make this noise: “WOOOOOUUUUAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH”, which i’ve never heard come out of a human before, but I believe i’ve heard a whale make it before. Captain Peesh kept it together though and we arrived at a hotel Ibis, complete with Mitsubishi colour TVs from possibly the 1930s as standard in the rooms, at 3 in the morning. Ahhhh, just enough time for a healthy 2 hours sleep before the ferry. Even Matt the vampire slept.

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Boat Time 1: Sea Power

With bleary eyes we reached the ferry port in Calais for the trip back to the Dover. The cruel shape of the van seats meaning we all had strange new ways our necks would naturally sit, kind of like they were broken. Because of the ‘in yer face’ Orange van we choose as our mode of transport we had to go through border control twice, in possibly the wettest conditions ever seen. Somewhere along the way we’d collected a flat tire although Paul doesn’t remember where it could have happened - although Ross remembers it happening in a dream he was having? Perhaps it was some sort of dream-puncture. That would be weird but would explain it. A helpful ferry man pumped up the tire for us, what a guy.

The second we got on the ferry we found red couches that made us fall asleep for the duration of the crossing, I fell into the deepest sleep i’ve had in ages and had the strangest dreams. I can’t remember any of it, but I woke up and couldn’t remember getting on a boat. Even though there was sea outside. Back in the van I slept again, effectively earning my 8 hours sleep in 3 bite sized portions. But it somehow worked, Kneale was back at full power - ready to take on the world. Or Cardiff at least. We arrived in Slough to drop off Stevie who was moving on to another tour. Slough is perhaps the most depressing place to say goodbye to someone. They did have the Lego head offices there though, I wonder why Lego remains to be fun when it’s based here.

We arrived at Clwb Ifor Bach (Welsh Club for philistines. Me, for example.) and remembered the deadly load in that has claimed the lives of many bands over the years - they have a graveyard at the bottom of the fire exit for young musicians who’ve been crushed by falling bass cabs. But we dealt with it, now with the help of Mr. Matthew Cogley who has replaced Stevie on teching duties. Matt was recently given a free hat that matches his shirt and the inside of his trouser pockets - what a style icon. We’ve played Clwb recently and it’s a great gig, and it was again apart from nearly all of our gear going down like magic just before the show started. Maybe it was another of Ross’ dream punctures, puncturing all of the instruments? Fall of Troy were amazing, their musicianship has to be seen to be believed. After the show we were accosted by a man who claimed himself to be ‘evil’ and also the richest man in the world. He also said he’d like to take any of us on at cage fighting. No thank you, you were very scary and may also be the devil.

The next day we had a day off to get to Ireland for our show at Mandela Hall on Tuesday, but we managed to the miss the ferry! Hurrah! The temporary drama that fills the van when anything happens (example: a crisp is dropped on the floor, the van going over a bump) was relieved when we found out we could just get the ferry the following morning. Ahhhhhh. We went to Liverpool for the day and visited the various shopping vendors, and saw a man playing the most repetitive tune on a keyboard in the history of keys. Later we drove to the port in Holyhead for the sequel to band on a boat: Boat Time 2. We had some time to walk about and we discovered around 40 of the most aggressive pubs in the world. In the end we found a cafe that served beer and settled there - everywhere else had dart boards and and darts on the TV. I had a raspberry milkshake - a taste explosion.

That is the only things that have happened recently. Pretty boring huh?

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Take a good hard look at the MUTHA FFFFFFFFFFFFNNN boat.

Gay Paree. A city of culture, fine Canadian Whisky, passionate security guards and out of control Algerian football fans. All things we would discover in one day as we travelled to the city of Paris for our first proper show with The Fall Of Troy. An eventful day for sure, and all for good reasons.

An early start in Heidelberg for the 5 and a half hour drive to the venue, some of us managed to get showers, some unlucky dirty people didn’t. I did and again felt vulnerable because of the dangerous hole in the door - exposure of the genitalia would just take one wrong step whilst in my ‘wash zone’ - the zen like state a person reaches whilst cleansing the body. Trying to balance the ‘wash zone’ mentality to secure maximum freshness and at the same time focusing on not exposing ones cock n’ ballz is a tricky one. But one I think I managed.

The drive was a long one that Stefanovich dealt with, whilst most of us drifted in and out of sleep. At a service station in France myself and Steven shared what was maybe the greatest baguette in the world. ‘Nobody does bread like the French’ the famous Spice Girls song goes, and by golly were those girls right. We reached Paris and managed to avoid the crazy roundabout with no rules near the Arc De Triomphe (for now) where we would have surely have lost the trailer in the battle to get round it. We arrived at the venue and climbed aboard. Ha ha, I hear you laugh - using maritime terms to describe your entrance to the venue! But oh no, this venue was very much climbed aboard - it was a friggin’ boat. The good ship Batofar, and the strangest venue I think i’ve ever been in. Very cool at the same time, except when you can feel the boat moving when you’re on stage. That is weird.

We loaded into the hold/crew quaters/boat bit(!?) and soundchecked, a weird sounding stage but then it was a boat. Finally met Andrew from Fall of Troy who was a lovely chap. Around this time we were made to move the van from outside the venue from the most emotional security guard in the world. He had one hand on his heart with his eyes closing pleading for us to move the van. We would have moved it anyway, but this shocking display made us move it double fast. We later saw him making a sandwich by his post - I wonder if he pleaded for the ingredients in the supermarket?

Mutiny On The Bounty were also playing, an awesome band from Luxembourg whom we’ve seen in Glasgow before. Our friend Steven Murray plays for them now so it was very strange to see him for the first time in a while so far from home. His guns are still mightily impressive, as are his riffs. Our set went well apart from all the lights going out for a couple of songs making it hard to see. When the lights worked they were cool, they even had our name in Nintendo lettering behind us onTV screens! Retro vibes. Fall of Troy were awesome, always a bonus when you admire the bands you’re touring with. After the show another emotional security guard asked us to move the van so we set off into the night.

Paul took us by the Eiffel Tower on the way to the hotel so we could all see it, a very impressive structure and such a beautiful city. Until we got caught on the way out in football traffic. I think Algeria had just qualified for the World Cup so there were Algerians hanging out of cars everywhere, and riot police on the verge of getting involved. A bright orange van would surely be an instant target for a good old fashioned beating so we were all slightly nervous. Paul pulled off some heroic moves getting us out of there, thank the lord for the Peesh Bag.

By the time we got to the hotel we realised we’d need to get up in an hour to head to Calais to get the Ferry so we decided to just leave then and there and avoid the risk of a classic Twin Atlantic sleep in. Seconds after leaving the hotel I fell asleep in a variety of awkward situations...

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I am the champion of the crate test.

It’s wrong when you become attached to a hotel. But it was with heavy hearts that we left the Hotel Ibis on the outskirts of Cologne yesterday to leave for what was now becoming what people in the industry like to call ‘A Tour’. The idea is that you play a number of shows, usually in a row, moving to new places every night. It’s a crazy idea, the way we’ve done it this time is just to hang out in the one place for 5 days. No other band is really doing it this way, think of us as visionaries.

So we’ll miss the bathroom door that doesn’t close properly, the soap dispenser in the shower and the mental German TV featuring a slice of animated bread that’s on one channel the WHOLE night. Apparently it’s aimed at children, I think if you watched it too long you would end up murdering someone. Dressed as a loaf. We all got into the van and waved goodbye to our old house, but all we got were weird looks from the reception staff - our surrogate parents. One final trip to Netto, the supermarket where everything is so cheap to the point that you wonder if it’s perhaps illegal. And with that, we finally left the city of Cologne.

We were heading to Heidelberg for a last minute show at Karlstorbahnof with Baddies from the UK and The Hickey Underworld from Belgium, before we meet up with Fall Of Troy in Paris today. A pleasant drive there, we didn’t explode and nobody fell out of the van whilst in motion. These are the sorts of things that would frequently happen in the world inside my head that I sometimes mistake for the real world. Heidelberg was a really nice place, one of the most authentically German (in the book sense) places we’ve been. All big fir trees and Bavarian looking houses, it felt like we were in 1900s Germany. Apart from all the traffic lights. And cars. And train station. And robots. What!? They should start an ad campaign to raise awareness of the place with the slogan ‘Heidelberg - A real slice o’ Germany’. I think that would be a hit.

The venue looked cool, although the room was a bit school disco-y. And my only memory of school discos were all the boys hanging together in the corner until Smells Like Teen Spirit came on then we’d start a mosh pit. What rebels we were. The Hickey Underworld were really cool, and put us to shame with their perfect English. It became kind of a Friday Games Night, as before the show we played Pictionary to devastating effect, and after the show an endurance test with a crate of beer was started. Somehow I won, although I am not sure how. I think I may have shattered my arms inner workings in the process. There was also a SOUNDMAN BATTLE involving two crates of beer, Paul being the eventual winner and letting out a horrific gladiator like roar, like he’d just slain a lion. Calm down Peesh.

After the show it was a return to an eTap with the in room shower with the little hole in the door. Except this time the hole was even bigger and would expose both penis and balls to anyone who dared wash. This eTap also had free internet (we knew this even before entering because they had an actual flag advertising it outside, a flag) which Sam hijacked by downloading perhaps every movie ever made so the rest of our internet experiences were about as successful as an old man trying to do a backflip. Ahhhhhhhh.

Tonight’s episode of the X-Files was entitled ‘Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose’ and featured the dad from Everyone Loves Raymond as a man who can see how people die. Gripping.

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On the 5th day God said - you may play a gig...

We’ve now moved to Cologne, we’ve told everyone back home that we’re not coming home and to sell all our things. We’re going to move in permanently to the Hotel Ibis. you get fresh towels everyday and you get to sleep in a sleeping bag on top of a bed. WILD STYLE. Plus, you can steal internet from the hotel next to the Ibis like a spy. Granted, I could ask the internet legally from inside my home - but this is better. Yep. The hotel staff can be my new family. Yeah.

We knew that the tour wasn’t going to start until Paris on the Saturday so we have three days to kill. On Wednesday we did next to nothing all day, and that is no joke. Here’s a run down of what we did: Went for dinner at 5pm at a quaint little Italian, looked in a smoke shop, went back to the hotel. There was one point that I really needed to go to the toilet and that was quite exciting but luckily I didn’t pee all over the van. Although, that would have been something to talk about. We did get very good news over dinner though! Some last minute shows before the Paris show. The first with The Films and Amusements Parks On Fire the following day in Cologne (Our home city!) and then a show in Heidelberg with Baddies on the Friday. Praise the lord of music, what a relief. We don’t know what to do with ourselves when we’ve been told we’re playing music then don’t. We’re like robots, we need to be re-programmed to keep up.

So we slept (after I reached the climax of Season 2 of the X Files - seriously tense, then I just had to watch the first episode of Season 3) and awoke the next day to the knowledge that a gig would be played that evening. GOAL. LAZIO. I was so excited that I threw my laptop in the air and gave it a big scrape on its side. What actually happened is that I tripped and did one of those awkward ‘he’s falling, he’s fine, he’s falling!’ trips that lasted about a minute before I let go of my laptop to save myself. I wish i’d saved the laptop, my wounds would have healed. Even if i’d landed on my face.

So we set off for the gig (it really was quite exciting) after visiting Sub Wayne at Subway again. That guy is one cool piece o’ bread I tell thee. The venue was called the Luxor which was where we were meant to play with The Fall Of Troy so we got to experience it in the end. Pretty cool venue, low ceiling and Jack Daniels flight cases for people who like alcoholic spirits and protecting things. The Films and Amusement Parks on Fire were all lovely guys and although we’d essentially jumped on at the last moment made us feel very welcome. We played and it did indeed feel great, just nice to play again. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.

Afterwards we all went for Indian food beside the venue, utilizing some special golden passes that the venue had given us. Magic free food, magical. The shock of playing a show had really knocked us for six so it was early to bed for this mob of junkies. Junkies is my new word for friends. Friends who are addicted to heroin. HOOOOHHHHH! I’m joking. Or am I!? HOOOOOOOOHHHHH.

Ha ha, I’m joking.

Or Am I? HOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!

I’m only joking.

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My kingdom for a gig! My kingdom for a gig!

So, we were meant to move onto Berlin today to bring our weedy rock music to the masses. Alas, it wasn’t to be - Fall of Troy rhythm section was still far away in the wrong country making it really hard for them to play the gig. Unless they could set up some sort of elaborate satellite link and all learned the songs with a slight time delay. That sounds easy, why didn’t they do that? If someone did try it, Nasa would probably give you free tickets to space for taking the risk.

I did get to have another shower in the Formule 1 - this one was so intense that I quite looked forward to getting out as it was making me feel weak. I must have offended the shower gods. As we had nothing to do, and Berlin was pretty far away - we decided to just stay in Cologne for another day and moooooch about. And that’s pretty much all we did, for a full day. It was tough, but we managed it. We went to the same pizza place we’ve been to every time we come to Cologne. But this time..... we sat in and ate our food. Mind blowing stuff. We visited a shop with a guitar on the wall outside which, shockingly, turned out to be a MUSIC shop. Those wacky Germans. We went back to the Lego shop that we went to last year and I looked at that Lego Greengrocer but I don’t think i’ll ever be able to justify paying 250 euros for what is essentially coloured plastic. They also had a Lego Eiffel Tower which would look good in my gold front room when i’m older. We went to the cathedral and Paul had to take off his hat. SHOCKING. In all seriousness, the Cathedral is mighty impressive. We got doughnuts near here as it was something to kill some time. Barry got a doughnut that looked like it had egg inside it. He insisted it tasted good though.

Later on we went to the big furniture store beside our hotel, which had an excellent Christmas display and made me quite excited. Then we went to a sports shop and looked at bags for half an hour. BAGS. FOR HALF AN HOUR. Then we went to a cheap supermarket and smelled the different shower gels for longer than was normal. So, longer than 30 seconds. And then....... we went to Subway and bought sandwiches. In Germany, Subway has a little mascot called Sub Wayne. He’s a sandwich with legs and arms. And eyes and a mouth.

We’ve now moved hotel (to across the road) to the much plusher Ibis. I bet the shower isn’t as good though. They did give me a spoon to eat my yogurt though, that was good. And the rooms have lots of plug sockets - great when you want to charge things I hear. I stole wifi from the Formule 1 for a couple of hours by sitting outside the door, I am like a new age spy. I think I may have got hypothermia in the process. But it was worth it.

So, as you can probably gather - we’re slightly bored. That was a list of pretty much everything we did today. Cologne is really nice, we’re just so desperate to play gigs that our brains are completely squished. We will play a gig in your shed. Or anywhere.

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Dicking (Ducking) around in Cologne bay.

We awoke in Cologne knowing there would again be no gig tonight, as Fall of Troy were still without a key member of the rhythm section. And we all know how important rhythm is, it’s the ‘backbone’. A skeleton told me that. So we’re kind of on holiday right now, traveling through Germany with not much to do apart from hang out, I can only imagine how frustrated the Fall of Troy guys must be. The weather has also taken a turn into rain-fest 3000. Rain rain rain all day day day.

But that’s not to say we aren’t having a good time! On the contrary, we can do what we like and it’s technically work - this must be what it’s like to be Paris Hilton. Also, for the first time in just over a year we got to experience the Formule 1 showers - without doubt the most powerful and best shower known to man. And the Cologne Formule 1 was particularly special as it didn’t have a timer button so you only get 20 seconds of intense shower power and heat at a time... this beauty just keeps going until it knocks you into submission. You really need to see it to understand what it’s like, it looks like a contamination chamber or a tanning booth (not that I know what that would look like, I saw one in Friends awrite!?), and has lovely smoke stain cream interior. But then you get under that shower, my god - it’s a powerful beast. It’s like its punishing you for being unclean and bombarding your senses until you’ve never felt so clean again. An experience to remember, and we’re in the same hotel again tonight. Hurray!

We headed into Cologne to meet with EMI, who distribute us in Europe, at their German office. Because we have that fecking trailer it took us an extra hour or so to get there as any wrong turn resulted in a painful reverse maneuver for Stevie Kneale, then often resulting in having to unhitch the trailer. But it wasn’t all bad, one wrong turn took us to a lake where there were ducks. And everyone loves ducks. Even Frogs. We eventually managed to park in EMI’s own underground car park, which made us all feel cool. It was great to meet with some of the people helping us out so far from home, but with no gig to play tonight I think they were all a little disappointed. Ah well, they did give us free 30 Seconds To Mars stickers. Which had a picture of a TIGER on the front. Ooooooooohhhh, dangerous. We went to the Hard Rock Cafe for dinner and they had John Bon Jovi’s actual trousers up on display. You know you’re famous when your trousers are up on a wall. And the Proclaimer’s had signed a total peach of a Fender Jaguar. Those dastardly bespectacled Scots.

I got something that the waitress kept calling a pig sandwich which made me feel super guilty for eating meat. Sorry pig. We also met a man from Milton Keynes who lived here and sounded like he if he’d been his age in the 70’s he would definitely have been friends with David Bowie. He’d just gotten into his prime four decades too late...

We headed back to the hotel with the news that tomorrow’s show in Berlin was also to be cancelled. Oh dear, the holiday continues! We might all buy Sombrero’s and sun cream tomorrow, because that is what you do on a holiday innit? Steven Kneale bought a Tyrannosaurus Rex sized can of Super Lager to lighten up his night. It tasted like homeless people.

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Hello? No Gig please.

Waking up in a bunk bed always feels a little wrong to me, like you shouldn’t have slept that high up from the ground. For some reason I imagine that falling from 5 feet whilst asleep would do you more damage than getting shot in the head. It’s even weirder when you look down and your brother is sleeping in a double bed below you. And to really top it off so you know the world has actually gone completely mental, you climb down from your bed in the sky and there’s a shower in your room. I mentioned it before, a shower... with a little genital height hole on the door. Although I was sharing with Steven, and we’ve definitely seen each other’s parts/jewels/bits when we were younger (in totally innocent circumstances, I feel I need to say that) I still felt quite vulnerable when I got in the shower, and worried that Stefan would see something that would shock him because of it’s minute size. I’m only joking, everything on this budding writer is in proportion.... if I was a midget. With a tiny penis.

Annnnnnnyywwwaaaayyyy, a 10am departure was called as we had around a 5 hour drive to get to Munster for the first show. Barry McKenna took the wheel for the duration and did a sterling job, like a young Michael Schumacher. But doing the correct speed limit of course, and in a van not a Formula 1 car. At a service station we stopped for fuel and I bought a baguette called a ‘Martino’ which looked very exotic but turned out to be what I think was just tomato sauce in a roll. I think that’s what it was, if i’m being honest it didn’t really taste of anything except bread. And nobody likes eating just bread. Sam became attached to a little centipede-like rubber toy creature in the service station shop and ended up buying it and calling it Vanilla. He then proceeded to ping me and Ross with it for quite some time during the drive. I’m starting to hate that Vanilla creep...

This is where it gets slightly strange. About 30 minutes from the venue Paul, now upgraded to tour manager AND Front of House engineer, called the venue and found out that Fall of Troy’s drummer Andrew was still in America and this was to be discussed when we got to the venue. After an hour of shrewd calculations from myself I figured out (shrewdly) that he wouldn’t be able to make it in time for the show. Duh duh duh! We got there and met the rest of the Fall of Troy guys and crew, who all seem like fantastic chaps, and then found out the show was to be cancelled. A real shame for those guys as I know how disappointed we’d be if we had to cancel a show. Especially if we’d come all the way from the US of A. Apparently the drummer’s passport was deemed corrupted or something silly, these authority figures are so strict aren’t they? They have to be I know, but when it gets in the way of RAWK? Unbelievable.

So then after that, we pretty much just left! After i’d eaten the biggest Lasagne in the world. I didn’t even want to eat the whole thing, but Paul challenged me, and Craig Kneale never turns down a food challenge. Even at the risk of being sick in front of people hes just met. It felt strange and kind of wrong as we all left the venue at 7pm, like we’d been suspended from school. We had a drive after the show anyway to get to Cologne, so we decided just to get over and done with then - Paul taking the wheel with Martin Gretch being the soundtrack from the van stereo. Possibly the scariest music in the world to drive at night too. We arrived at the hotel around 9 and to my delight it was a Formulae 1 - which is like an eTap but a bit more rubbish. But somehow the greatest place you will ever stay. I’ll talk you through the ‘unique’ shower experience on my next exciting memoir.

I think I was much more tired than I thought and fell asleep pretty much as soon as I got in the room. But then I got up again later and watched two thrilling episodes of The X Files. One a tongue-in-cheek story about circus freaks, and the other a tale which pretty much ripped off The Exorcist. But because it was the X Files it was still great. Awrite!?

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