Welsh Rarebits

So, our American tour was over and we got home with just about enough time to wash our socks and say hello to our nearest and dearest before we were back out in the UK on our last headline tour of the year, and our coldest to date. Ross had, from nowhere, come up with the genius idea of calling the run of shows ‘The FREE-ZE Tour’. Because we have an album called ‘Free’ innit? And the tour would take place in winter, which is usually very cold - ‘freezing’ you might say. Get it? Don’t worry if you don’t get it, I had to have it run by me many times before I understood it. Once I did though, I didn’t stop laughing for a full week because the pun was so brilliant. I had to actually go into hospital because I couldn’t get food to digest as I kept laughing it up. The doctor told me to leave as I kept laughing in his face as he tried to diagnose me. “But, don’t you get the pun!?” I screamed as I was carried out the door by two burly security guards. That doctor will eventually click on why it’s so funny and when he does come laughing to me about it i’ll have no sympathy for him. Or any other puns. I’ll maybe just throw some grapes down his throat so he can feel my pain as they come straight back up as he laughs away in pain.

I won’t actually do that, i’m not a violent person. And I really like grapes so I wouldn’t be just throwing them wantonly towards people’s mouths. A mouth is a small target and i’ve got rubbish aim. If I miss and the grape hits the ground it’s game over. You can’t eat a ground grape - that’s how you get the black plague.

We actually had a day and a half at home but this was spent relearning all the songs that we hadn’t played since our last headline tour which ended at the start of June. Within a week of not playing a song we pretty much have to relearn it, it’s quite magical to behold. But not the good magical. These practices went rather badly because a) One of the pedals on Barry’s comedy sized pedal board broke which meant all his magic powers were gone and we had to wait for it to be fixed so he could be the delay/loop wizard we all know and love. And b) we had rashly decided to attempt to do our own monitors this tour after watching Middle Class Rut do it. Our tour manager Andy ‘Daddy’ Dunlop would be manning them at the shows in case anything drastically went wrong, but I was worried that if I asked for the bass guitar up during the gig he would come over and lift Ross off the ground. Only joking Andy, I know that you wouldn’t do that. Ross would attack you. And he’s got some crazy fighting moves. So we only managed to run the set once which didn’t go horribly, but it was definitely not vintage. And everyone knows that vintage is the pedestal that all bands wish to reach.

We left Glasgow that night and using some of the scientific processes used in physics to propel ourselves and our transport in a forward motion we arrived the following morning in Cardiff for the first date. We were playing at the University, which meant there would maybe be some people who would be interested in the rules of physics. The venue was actually called CF10, which I think may have been part of the University Union’s post code. GENIUS MAN. The dressing room area was behind the Union bookshop and we shared the staff bathroom, which was also where the shower was located (a bathroom being a common place to find a shower in my experience). While I was taking a shower a member of the bookshop staff came into the bathroom to do the other bodily function that isn’t a urination and it was one of the most unsettling moments of my life. Having a thin shower wall being the only thing that separates you from watching a man/woman/beast exorcising some food from their body is perhaps more mentally scarring than watching someone get stabbed. Or being stabbed yourself. Why could they not just wait 5 minutes? Have they no shame? I hope these questions can be answered for me one day. Otherwise I fear I will never sleep again.

We have Dinosaur Pile-Up and Arcane Roots out with us this tour which is very exciting, we’re big fans of both bands so it’s very nice to get to watch bands you admire every night. I did just that before we played and got the impression that the venue may be roughly as warm as the sun. The gig was sold out which was amazing, but it would have been nice if the crowd could have all worn ice-cube suits like i’d specified and supplied at the entrance. Not one person had taken me up on my offer/demand. So when we headed out to play the wave of heat hit is immediately and it was unpleasant, like waking up with an animal in your bed that you’ve never seen before. The heat coupled with the fact we were kind of learning the set as we played meant it was a bit of a slog, but I think we got away with it. The crowd were great, but that is what we’ve come to expect from Cardiff crowds - warm, good time people. I thought about getting another shower after the gig to replenish all the fluids from my body that were now in a neat puddle around the drums, but I was so worried that another toilet showdown might take place that I decided it would be much nicer just to die of dehydration instead.

The end.

I didn't take any photos today so here's a picture of a Welsh Terrier...